What do you dream of?

I enjoyed my Saturday with a pregnant friend and her sister yesterday.  Sitting outside in their fab garden we were talking about weightloss after having a baby.  Being her third child she’s worried about not being able to lose the baby weight.  We got onto the subject of breastfeeding and whether we thought it helped.  I believe it did help me lose the extra weight I’d put on during pregnancy (a whopping 20kg!!).  My mate commented how fabulous I’m looking and that I’m the smallest she’s ever known me to be. 

She’s totally right.  I’m a good 5kg lighter than I was 2 years ago.  It’s not a HUGE amount I know, but enough that I now wear a size smaller than I fit previously.  What annoys me most is that I don’t feel smaller.  I still feel big, heavy and not even slightly feminine.

For once I tried to take the compliment on board and not snap back that yes, I had lost weight but not nearly enough.  Instead I agreed and actually vocalised that I had lost weight but what I really dreamt of was feeling skinny.  Just admitting this to myself and others is a big step forward for me as I’d usually hold such thoughts internally, never to be heard by others.

I want to glide down the street peering randomly into shop windows and feel gloriously happy.  I want to look in the mirror every day and smile.

That’s what my dreams are made of.