Two steps forward, One GIANT step back…

I dropped to an all time low last week, hence no blogging for me.  Not only did my train de-rail, the protective lining that holds the train together cracked and tore wide open.  The train being me on my journey that is, not literally!

I’ve been super focused on listening to my Inner Dialogue and understanding why I feel so damn negative about my body.  And you know, I really feel like I’ve learnt so much about myself over the last few weeks.  Absolutely amazing stuff too!

By listening in on my thoughts I’ve become more aware of what I’m thinking and the different sub-personalities that are feeding my thoughts.  My thoughts are under the control of my Wild Child and Inner Critic, without a doubt.  Two months ago I would have laughed hysterically at anyone who said that about themselves and brushed it off as absolute nonsense.  But somehow it’s all starting to make sense.

Although exciting, it’s mighty scary too.  Quite overwhelming infact.  I feel like an outsider listening in on a private conversation.  It’s like I’m hiding outside the room, trying to be still and quiet so I can hear the conversation without them realising I’m there.  You’d think it’d be easy listing to your own thoughts but I’m finding it really draining.  It takes constant effort to listen, otherwise the thoughts swarm around inside without me even knowing.

Last week it all came to a head.  It was like my Wild Child and Inner Critic got together and decided to rebel and resist my attempts to get to know them.  All the digging around in my thoughts has left me feeling really vulnerable and wide open to attack.  There’s so much personal information stored away in my mind that I’ve held behind closed doors for so long that even the thought of opening up makes me anxious.  It’s not about hiding from others.  Going into my mind and thoughts will mean I need to face all my life demons that I’ve tried to forget.

I ate more than I have in a long time last week.  It was like I was trying to sabotage my ‘get to know me’ game by focusing on eating as much as I could and then wallowing in self pity about how disgusting I felt.  I’m definitely an emotional eater.

I’m pleased to say I’ve made it through the week though and have come back feeling more at ease.  I’m still wary of what I might find on my journey but I know I can’t bear to go backwards.  I’ve started my search for answers and I’m going to find them!