Two steps forward, One GIANT step back…

I dropped to an all time low last week, hence no blogging for me.  Not only did my train de-rail, the protective lining that holds the train together cracked and tore wide open.  The train being me on my journey that is, not literally!

I’ve been super focused on listening to my Inner Dialogue and understanding why I feel so damn negative about my body.  And you know, I really feel like I’ve learnt so much about myself over the last few weeks.  Absolutely amazing stuff too!

By listening in on my thoughts I’ve become more aware of what I’m thinking and the different sub-personalities that are feeding my thoughts.  My thoughts are under the control of my Wild Child and Inner Critic, without a doubt.  Two months ago I would have laughed hysterically at anyone who said that about themselves and brushed it off as absolute nonsense.  But somehow it’s all starting to make sense.

What do you dream of?

I enjoyed my Saturday with a pregnant friend and her sister yesterday.  Sitting outside in their fab garden we were talking about weightloss after having a baby.  Being her third child she’s worried about not being able to lose the baby weight.  We got onto the subject of breastfeeding and whether we thought it helped.  I believe it did help me lose the extra weight I’d put on during pregnancy (a whopping 20kg!!).  My mate commented how fabulous I’m looking and that I’m the smallest she’s ever known me to be. 

She’s totally right.  I’m a good 5kg lighter than I was 2 years ago.  It’s not a HUGE amount I know, but enough that I now wear a size smaller than I fit previously.  What annoys me most is that I don’t feel smaller.  I still feel big, heavy and not even slightly feminine.

For once I tried to take the compliment on board and not snap back that yes, I had lost weight but not nearly enough.  Instead I agreed and actually vocalised that I had lost weight but what I really dreamt of was feeling skinny.  Just admitting this to myself and others is a big step forward for me as I’d usually hold such thoughts internally, never to be heard by others.

I want to glide down the street peering randomly into shop windows and feel gloriously happy.  I want to look in the mirror every day and smile.

That’s what my dreams are made of.

Who’s pulling your strings??

Until reading The Weight Less Mind (by Georgia Foster), I hadn’t even considered that my thoughts were being controlled by numerous personalities.  Like puppeteers, the different selves sit up all high and mighty, pushing their opinions into my thoughts through their chit chat.

Georgia Foster and other BodyBoffins such as Martha Beck, proclaim that acknowledging this inner dialogue is the most important step.  You must first understand the thoughts that are driving your feelings and behaviour and where these thoughts are coming from.  Only then is it possible to change your thought habits and therefore have the ability to change how you feel about your body so that you feel happier more of the time.

Through reading this book I’ve made a HUGE self discovery.  Not only am I being bullied by my Inner Critic, my thoughts and behaviour are also heavily influenced by my Inner Child.

Saying it now, it feels and sounds a wee bit silly.  But you know, I could completely relate to everything Georgia describes about the Inner Child. 

The Inner Child exists in all of us and is our link to our raw emotions, especially vulnerability.  It is our “child-like part that has never grown up” … “that loves to play, cry, be touched and loved.” (The Weight Less Mind by Georgia Foster)  Often we suppress our Inner Child as certain events may lead us to grow up too quickly or put on a mask to stifle the needs of the Inner Child in order to act more responsible.

Aspects of the Inner Child that I relate to…

• I find it hard to deal with anger and other emotions.
• I rebel like a naughty child.
• I still sleep with my teddies (yes, it’s a crowded bed!)
• I have a fear of intimacy
• I often feel isolated and lonely

Georgia explains that exploring your Inner Child can help you to gain a “much deeper and more powerful understanding of who you are and the why you’re thinking and feeling how you do.

I’m going to test run The Weight Less Mind tools to help reach and understand my Inner Child.  Stay tuned!!

**Note: above image copied from http://www.1888toys.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=216

The Power of the Scales…

I was feeling pretty good yesterday.  I’d been to the gym the night before, managed to actually eat when I felt hungry (rather than gorging all food in sight) and even my toddler was in good spirits.  Glorious!

Until late afternoon that is, when it all came crashing down.  That morning my 16 month old had been playing with the scales whilst I got ready.  Silly me hadn’t put the scales away and when I went up to the loo later that afternoon there they sat.  Calling to me… “Go on, weigh yourself.  You’re feeling pretty great.  It’s been ages and who knows, maybe you’ll get a pleasant surprise”.

I got a surprise all right.  I jumped on and what do you know, I’m 3kg heavier than I’ve been in months.  My bubble of happiness burst instantly and I felt truly devastated.  My Inner Critic reminded me that I shouldn’t have bothered… “of course you’re going to weigh too much, you know you’re too big.” on and on. 

I’m amazed that just seeing a number on the scales could make me feel so low.  Especially when just seconds before I’d been on a natural high.  I walked out, in fear that if I stayed I might take my disappointment out on the scales and throw them straight out the window.

I tried to reassure myself that it didn’t matter what the scales said, what was important was how I felt.  It made absolutely no difference though.  It felt impossible to lift my spirits, like a dark cloud had come over me and no sign of it moving on any time soon.

The funniest bit is that later that night I finally ventured back into the bathroom.  I went to put the scales away and what do you know?  They’re showing 3kg without any weight on them!  My toddler had obviously moved the needle adjustment whilst playing with them that morning.  I adjusted the needle back to ‘0′ and jumped on with excitement.  My heart jumped for joy.  I hadn’t put on weight at all.

This wee little incident got me thinking.  It just shows how strong my belief is that I’m overweight and not only that, but also that scales just reinforce our negative thoughts. 

Death to all scales!

The event also served as a big reminder that the focus and aim of this blog is not about how to lose weight.  It’s about how (tips, advice, tools, etc.) to find acceptance within our own bodies and learn to love ourselves.  Although the work of Martha Beck and other BodyBoffins have a weight loss focus, the tools they’re teaching are about building awareness of our negative inner thoughts that are driving the behaviour that we don’t want such as overeating.  It then becomes about how we challenge those thoughts and build new, more positive beliefs.

We have lots of work to do!  This is only the beginning of our journey.

Our thoughts make our reality. A quote.

I’ve been trying to make sense of all that I’ve learnt from our recent BodyBoffin interviews with Georgia Foster and Vanessa Shaw – and I came across this quote…

“Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different.  Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change in attitude.” 
by Katherine Mansfield (New Zealand short story author, 1888-1923).

How much time have you spent trying to change yourself physically?  Not only that, how much energy have you expended THINKING about changing?

I’m constantly searching for ways to change my body, the way I look.  I’ve spent 15 years working my butt off at the gym, training with a Triathlon club and even competing as a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.  Plus all the diets, body wraps and so on.  That’s a whole lot of time!  

And you know, throughout all my exercise and dieting absolutely none of it helped to change the way I see myself and the negativity I feel towards my body.

That’s where Katherine Mansfield’s quote comes in.  I’m beginning to understand that what our BodyBoffins are trying to drill into us is that we must firstly change the way we think – our thought habits and our perception.  In doing so, our reality will change and how we see ourselves.  In an essence, the way we think and what we believe shapes ‘our world’.

Our awareness of our thought patterns and the ability to control our thinking is crucial to our overall well being and happiness.

When you say it like that it all sounds so simple.  But we all know it’s not!

A raffle and an exam. A marvelous morning.

The morning of my exam I felt physically sick.  Nerves I guess.  I was anxious about actually making it to the gym without having to dive into some random cafe for an emergency toilet stop or vomiting in the street.  Not a nice feeling!

As I walked to the gym, eyes down, focused on controlling the rising sick feeling in my belly, I walked straight into the back of a person.  Very embarrassing!  Even more so that this particular guy had a fluorescent yellow vest on!!  He was fundraising for the local Life Boats.  With bright red cheeks, I dug deep and donated £1, thinking inside that maybe, just maybe, if I do a good deed and donate to a good cause, my exam might just go my way.

As I walked off feeling a little smug with my bright idea, I heard the fundraisers laughing.  I listened in and they were having a good old fashioned laugh at my expense.  Not only had I walked into the guy, they weren’t actually looking for donations.  It was a raffle.  As I turned and looked back I realised there was a mighty big speed boat that I hadn’t even noticed.  A speed boat that I had absolutely no chance of winning!

Not a good start to my morning!

However. I am very, very excited to be able to say that despite the nerves prior to my exam, I passed with flying colours.  Absolutely fantastic news!  And you know what, I even enjoyed it!  As soon as I walked into the gym I felt really confident and for the first time in years, my Inner Critic was no where to be heard.  An amazingly free feeling.

If only I knew why and how I felt so confident.  Where was my Inner Critic and why wasn’t he trying to derail the exam?  All I know is that I was so focused on remembering all my teaching points, muscles and techniques for the exam my mind was jam packed.  Perhaps there just wasn’t room for the Inner Critic.  Although I have no doubt that my negative mate was in there yelling, he definitely wasn’t heard.

The scary thing is how fabulous I felt without the negative thoughts.  It’s like I’ve had my first taste of a very addictive drug.  I’m starting to understand just how marvelous life could be if I could take control of my thoughts and turn my negative state of mind around.

Bring it on!

Wish me luck…

It’s time.  I’ve done the work and I now have to prove I’m competent.  Tomorrow I’ve got my 80 minute practical exam to become a Level 2 Gym Instructor. 

How am I feeling you might ask?  Terrified.  Why?  Although I’ve done the hard yards and spent many hours at the gym over the last 3 months learning good technique and all about kinesiology, tomorrow is the day that I need to look and act like a gym instructor.

I look up to and envy gym instructors.  To me they are the ultimate.  Completely toned bodies and endless energy.  I know that’s a truly short sited view but how amazing does the instructor look pumping their hearts out in a high energy aerobics session?  Amazing!

I want to look like that.  I would love people to be able to see me and say “boy, she must work out!” 

I’ve decided that in order to have any chance of looking like a gym instructor I’ve got to feel like one.  My plan is to walk in there pretending to be a gym instructor.  A qualified instructor wouldn’t be the slightest bit nervous about an 80 minute PT session with 2 examiners watching over your every move.  So that’s who I’m going to be tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Dreaming of a manikin…

To a stranger I’d probably look like I was in love with window shopping.   As I stand in front of the shop window staring, longingly at the fabulously dressed manikins.  But you know, it’s not the clothes I’m dreaming of, it’s the manikin!  No, no, I don’t have some super scary fetish about plastic people.  It’s their amazingly flat tummies, super skinny thighs and incredibly smooth skin that I’m after.

They resemble the airbrushed models you see in magazines.  Perfect…

Have you ever wished you were a manikin??

This morning I found the answer to cure my silly obsession with shop windows and manikins.  As I walked past a local Next store on the way to Nursery, the window was being remodelled.  What I saw was quite shocking!  A wake up call.

The manikins were in pieces, limbs separated and bodies lying lifelessly in a heap.  The most revealing thing was that they were completely exposed and you could see all the big, gaping holes where the bolts go through their legs.  Gruesome!

It made me realise just how silly I’d been.  Manikins are plastic shapes that do not resemble real women.  Well, other than the fact that they’re built with 4 limbs, a body and a head!

Remind yourself of this next time you stare dreamily into a shop window…

Expert overload…

My book store experience got me thinking.  The self help industry has grown exponentially over the last 10 years and in particular, in the area of body image and weight loss.  Row after row of published ‘experts’ promise they’ve got the answers to make you a skinnier, happier you.

There are so many experts with their own theories and different approaches to weightloss I think we’ve all become confused.  If you think about all the diets you’ve attempted or just heard about… I’m sure most of you could fill a page.  All this varying advice is too much for one mind to take in, let alone scrutinize.

What would happen if we didn’t have all these experts?  Would we suffer?  Probably not.  But you know, I believe there are amazing professionals out there that are passionate about supporting us to increase our confidence, learn to love our bodies and even successfully achieve our weight loss goals.  And not only that they also have heir own stories to demonstrate their success.  True inspiration!

But with the shelves overloaded, how do we find them and how do we know who’s right?  We’re all individual and have different issues to work with and goals to achieve so it makes sense that one way isn’t going to work for all.  [damn... there goes my dream of finding the 1 secret to weightloss!]

That’s where I come in.  One of my personal goals is to throw myself out there and hunt down these amazing bodyboffins and find out their secrets and strategies.  Not everyone can afford to have direct access to a bodyboffin so rather than you go to them, I’m hoping to bring them to you.

no radio jockeys here…

Well, if there’s one thing I know for sure, I’m definitley NOT meant to be a radio jockey!!  In the last week I’ve interviewed our first two bodyboffins.  Absolutely amazing, professional women with a passion for helping people who are stuck with negative beliefs and state of mind, working with them to challenge these thoughts and turn them into a positive, rebuilding confidence and changing old habits.  More about these two wonderful women and the secrets behind their success coming soon…

I haven’t felt that nervous for years!  I felt like a child meeting a TV star.  During each interview butterflies pelted around inside me, my voice was shaky and I even let out my wee little nervous giggle every now and then.  Glorious! 

Although I’m somewhat embarrassed at my voice and words on the interview audios, my two bodyboffins are fabulous and I learnt so, so much.  You’ll soon have the chance to download the interviews and listen for yourself… feel free to have a laugh at my expense!!